Nightmares... They just don't go away, do they?

Nightmares... They just don't go away, do they?

I feel the need to update my post, since I've had some new experiences. My life continues to have ups and downs as I continue to seek what I hope will be a lasting relationship. (Yeah yeah, internet relationships aren't going to last forever. Shoot me, I'm a romantic.)

I had a chance to find some kind of makeshift closure with my former Dom when he came back. Everyone told me that was what I needed, but to be honest, I don't agree with them at all. I mean, in my opinion, I was better off not speaking to him and going on pretending like he didn't exist. It hurt me more to talk to him again than it did when he first left.

He left a cryptic message in my email box, basically stating that he was coming back. He talked privately with a few people, then showed up in the old chat room and started talking there. He talked to Kit, and to a few other people, but I had to practically beg to get answers from him.

When I finally did talk to him, I felt the hole that had been carefully stitched back together rip right open, and all of the old emotions came rushing back, whether I wanted them to or not. Part of me hated him, still hates him, but I will admit that part of me won't let him go. It hurts to think that I could be weak enough to still need him, but I can't help it.

I still have the nightmares, though less frequently than before. Sometimes they stray from the usual, but most of the time they're the same horridly vivid terrors I've had to deal with since he left. People keep telling me they'll fade, they'll go away, but I'm not so sure of anything anymore. What if they don't fade? Am I going to be stuck remembering what he did to me for the rest of my life?

I've tried to move on, tried to push past my own insecurities about being hurt, but there are times when I wonder if I'll ever be able to let myself get close to another person the way I was with him.

Until I can find the answers, I'll continue pushing my way through the dark, groping for that damn lightswitch to scare away the nightmares.

- Miko